I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
