as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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