I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
