I feel like abortions should bother me more
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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