Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
