Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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