I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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