I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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