Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My breath smells like gin and sadness
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
