Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
