Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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