you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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