Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
