So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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