On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize