i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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