So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I could make wine with my vomit
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
