I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
