I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
