When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
