This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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