I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
