A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I smell stomach acid.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize