i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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