he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
