can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
