dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
