New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
