just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
