from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize