Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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