I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
