Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
