If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
