the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
