I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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