I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
