She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
