I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
