Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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