I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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