yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
