i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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