Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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