I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
