Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
