Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
