I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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