my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
