Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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