i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
