He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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