I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
