I think i peed on brittanys purse
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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