Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
