Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Too much gin, very little bucket
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize