I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
