I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
