just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just googled if crying burns calories
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
