Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
