Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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