My sheets look like a crime scene.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
