i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
