You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
