K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
