Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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