oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize