i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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