so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
